Thursday, January 18, 2007

Silent Miracles

I was sitting here last night wondering why, with everything going on in my life I wasn't feeling real despair. Granted I'm worried, stressed and feeling overwhelmed but I can't say that I was feeling necessarily unhappy or terribly distressed.

Obviously, I'm sick. I just went through a horrid respiratory viral thing that lasted a couple weeks, not to mention the typical CFS, FM and MCS stuff I deal with. Then there was the typical pain, problems sleeping and stomach problems. My one and only vehicle is biting the dust and I can't afford to replace it right now, not even sure if we can afford to fix all that needs fixing on it. My teenager isn't the perfect female angel I had wished she was (ha!). She's not inspired about school or helping with chores. (where did i fail?!) The rest of my family is way too far away to visit, especially in my condition and my home is decorated with many piles of stuff that I'm too tired to deal with. And that's only the beginning of my complaint list!

So surely with all that I should be distressed! I have every right to wallow is self-pity, sigh, moan, groan and scream to you. Right? Right! But last night I didn't feel like it.

Sometimes I wonder why the Good Lord seems so very far away and why on earth can't He do for me what I see Him doing for others, or so it seems anyway. Why me? What did I do? Where's my miracle?

Then it struck me. This 'out of mind', oblivious to distressing factors IS my miracle! Duh! How many days go by where I know my circumstances better than anyone else, know the reality of the struggles and obstacles yet happen to notice the smile on the cat's face, hear the birdies sing, and enjoy watching my husband groan as I tell him a very bad joke?! Many. Oodles! Probably at least 90% of the time!

Wow! That's pretty dang amazing considering ----- ! This scripture has always meant a lot to me. I didn't think I'd reached there yet though...

Philippians 4: 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have earned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

That was last night. Today my heart's been flippity flopping in my chest, my nervous system is wacked and on tilt and I'm feeling quite distressed.

Well...sometimes I guess I'm in that 10% of the time moments. Still I'm thankful for those silent miracle moments...


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Truth or Consequences

Being sick on top of being sick is the pits. For the last several days I've had the flu, the whole body, head to toe aching, stuffy headed, sneezing, sweating, vertigo producing too. Sacked out right next to me in the bed is hubby who's also feeling quite cruddy. Actually it was he who gave this unwanted gift to me! I feel miserable!

Called a relative tonight to see if I could beg a ride for my daughter to youth group explaining we had the flu. "What? I thought you had it last week", she said.

"No, this is the REAL flu," I said. "The over-a-week, coughing, sneezing, aching, sweating, queazy, dizzy, influenza type flu". I wanted sympathy in my misery and it was the truth! I was also hoping for some help with transportation.

Somehow I suspect that she figured that a. I had lied last week in order to get out of a command invite, or b. I must always lie because no one can have the flu that often! or c. I lie all the time and never have anything at all physically. That was the tone I heard in my ear anyway.

The fact of the matter is that the symptoms of CFS/ME are often very much like a virus, flu, and it's often just plain difficult to know for sure if it is a bug or just more of the same until other evidence somes along, like the symptoms disappearing or reports of others in the area having the same symptoms around the same period of time and THEY say they have a bug. However this time there was no mistaking this was something different that usual and much worse than the garden variety of 'bugs' that usually go around, even with CFS/ME.

Now I would have thought that as sick as I am I sure wouldn't need to convince anyone this time. Just listen to me! One peek at my face tells the story...but then it was over the phone I guess. Maybe I should have sent over the pillowcase still damp from my waking up soaked with sweat! Or the box of spent tissues next to the bed?

Daughter managed to find a ride with someone else. I could quip that I wonder what would happen if there was a catastrophe like a bad fire or something and we needed help, but I already know the answer to that one. Three months worth of smoke filled skies and two adults with MCS plus CFS/FM, one of them with horrid uncontrollable, wheezing cough that required an inhaler and no one to pick up the inhaler for us... Been there, done that already. I know the answer----

til a better day-