Monday, March 27, 2006

03- 27 - My Disappearance - Hermit Hybernation

Well, Did you miss me? If you've been reading my blog you noticed I've been missing in action here. I'm sure it didn't take you much imagination to surmise why. Yup, ye old "slam 'em, knock 'em down flat, boomerang, Flatten-her-out crash" come rushing over my in one huge slapping wave the other day.

And here I was soooo thrilled to be able to do more than put the dishes in the dishwasher for the day's task! Should have known better after all these years. I'm going to do the wifely thing and blame it on hubby. Yup, it's all his fault! You see last week dear hubby decided to grab one of those hand held steamer cleaning thingies at Canadian Tire. You know the one? It's like a spray bottle that you plug in, it heats up and out comes small bursts of steam as you pump the trigger. Works fairly well if you can keep squeezing enough. Sadly neither of us have much continuing oomph in the trigger fingers.

So of course he had to demonstrate it on the stove top. So proud he was of the fact that I could now simply wipe the grease away without worry of harmful chemical cleansers, without excuse of MCS reactions to noxious fumes, which obviously I never endeavored to play guinea pig with. Yes sir, my dream come true (rather HIS dream I'm sure!) ...a clean house without fumes of doom! But alas, we both neglected to calculate how deceptively WORK was hidden in this task. Work, that word that to those of us with CFS/FM equates to expenditure of much valued, short supply energy.

And so it was that the back screen door got cleaned that day, and then around the sink. Afterall we did have to experiment with this new little gadget that was suppose to make life easier, right? I didn't notice how tired I was much less how quickly what reserve I had was draining out of me, though the swaying should have given me a clue. [note* I've noticed that when i'm overly exhausted and having to finish a chore, such as standing in line at a check out, I tend to sway, shifting weight from leg to leg doing this continual motion dance to remain upright. I've come to think of this as some automatic mechanism that amounts to kicking up adrenalin until such time as I can lay flat or fall flat on my face.]

Perhaps it says something about the state of our home when the two of us were so excited and rejoicing over three 3 foot by 3 foot spaces of shine? (more on the revolt of the dust bunnies on another day). Ok so I confess, we were impressed and that is not to say that this little gadget is the end all solution of housework helpers. Gimme a maid instead any day !

So now you have the picture. Three small spots of cleanliness and one very wiped out CFS lady. I was drooping but proud of my accomplishments and guiltless enough to plop into bed as my reward. However-----

The next day i awoke and stumbled into the kitchen for my morning cup of coffee. (it's decaf btw). I was stunned. I was unglued. By the time I arrived in front of the sink near the pot I was absolutely depressed. I could NOT believe just how far it was from the bed to the kitchen that morning! It felt like ten miles. Half way there and I wasn't sure I was going to make it, I was that exhausted, weak. (it's about 20'). I hugged myself telling myself I must not have had enough sleep and would perk up after a cup of java. No such luck.

By late afternoon it was obvious that the heaviness was not about to lift that day so I resigned myself to the fact that it was just going to be 'one of those days' and flopped back down on the bed. Now I have many of these wiped out, heavy, totally exhausted days but it's rare that I am so bad that even talking requires too much energy. It was one of THOSE days. I was so bad that even inhaling and exhaling seemed to require more energy consumption than it felt like I had...

Three days later and here I sit. I'm still wiped and unable to do anything. This is the price of CFS, that non-existant illness that exists only in our heads according to many of those researchers -med types out there. I'd love to have them experience the complete lack of oomph we have for just two weeks of their lives. I think they'd start screaming "uncle" and immediately demand funds poured into real research. Today is the first day I've recovered enough to type a few lines on the computer. Forget doing anything more than walking to the bathroom.

Many PWC's do have depression. There's that old chicken vs egg argument about depression and CFS. I personally can say that I don't suffer from depression usually. In fact I was certified sane and non-clinically depressed by a certified psychologist paid by Social Security to evaluate me. I'm certifiably sane. How about that! But even he acknowledged that these kind of chronic conditions and all the ramifications to lifestyle will and does cause depression at one time or another. It's bound to. I don't usually get depressed, I get angry! LOL I do get frustrated, irritable, sad, bummed and anxious however. Some of that is emotional reaction to the situation but some is directly related to a particular physical, biological reaction (symptoms). For instance certain chemicals cause symptoms that occur with accompanying brain reactions that bring anxiety and/or irritation. Perfumes, for instance, make me irritable along with closing my airways. I used to think I was irritated because I couldn't breath until it occurred to me that the anxiety was part of the reaction itself. Reactions that cause my nasal passages to swell also cause anxiety whereas colds that stuff up my nose do not. But there is one instance where I do get depression and that is when the sheer exhaustion slams me. Again I discovered through years of observation that rather than being depressed because of the fatigue I was depressed with the fatigue, ie happened simultaneously. Whatever causes the exhaustion also causes depression. As well it IS depressing in that way that involves thoughts floating around one's mind to be totally wiped out unable to do a thing for days on end.

And so here I sit telling you all this while that super duper melt-em grease steamer sits idlely on the counter reminding me that there are many other unclean spots that beg shiny-ness. (I love adding words to the english language! : ) )

Hopefully tomorrow a bit of energy will show back up??


*ps - hubby is on week three of a bad ear problem. I'm trying to decide if he was just baiting me by trying it out on the stovetop or if he really was just curious to see how well it would work. A shiny thing in a world of dinge looks so out of place!

**PSS - your comments would be soooo appreciated! Leave 'em below!


Blogger villafan said...

hi there linda u know me of the net as wend :)

3:10 AM  

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